This year we're celebrating Xmas in a new manner.
Since we found out about my mom's cancer, we decided that the whole family should support her. So we're all traveling with her to the country side of our state, our family own a big farm where she lived her entire childhood and where my grandparents are buried. My mom wants to stay there for the holidays and we'll only get back here on January 2nd, when she is due to start chemotherapy again and maybe an operation.
So I'm just here to wish some nice and calm holidays for everyone.
I don't really feel like I have anything to say. I just feel like writing it.
My mom will start her chemotherapy next wednesday. Sometimes I think that she is not sick at all, that everything is just some fucked up thing I invented. Sometimes I think that I'm having my last moments with her. I won't lie and say that I didn't think about it, 'cause I did. Lots and lots of times. I keep seeing a bunch of scenarios in my head. I know for a fact that I won't be able to live in this town anymore, everywhere I'll look I'm pretty sure I'll see her. For sure I already know I won't live with my father in São Paulo, we're too fucked up to re-learn how to be a father and a daughter again. I don't want to live with anybody, I just want to be alone with my dog. My boyfriend and I, well, I asked him to give me some time until my mother can recover properly and he went to his mother's house. I'm not really sure that he understands what's going on with me so I have this weird feeling that we won't get back together. Right now, I don't give a fuck.
I pray for my mother, I pray for a long and perfect life for her and if she doesn't make it then I also pray for a quiet, calm, peaceful death. I wish I could be in her place, 'cause so many times I asked for death to get me when I was depressed. This should have been me, not my mom, she never did anything bad to anyone.
Too many thoughts in my head, too many shitty thoughts.