"Satan, settle down. Keep your trousers on. Leave my wrenched soul alone."

One week.
We celebrated father's day here in Brazil a couple of weeks ago, therefore I went to the graveyard to "visit" both of my folks and just talk to them, you know? It was heavy and sad as fuck so I decided to take a one week vacation.

And so I left. Alone. Left the Beagle with my sister. Turned off my cellphone. Did not smoke at all, yay.

It was so damn good. I went camping, alas I did not spend too much time snuggling in my tent. I used our's speedboat to go around some places, far into the countryside, quite poetic, really. Everything felt too much like Into The Wild to me, well, there was no cold nor Alaska but, you get what I'm saying.

I needed that. Some good shit for my soul and my mind.

mia [2]
Monstro tricolor de aspecto duvidoso que quebra e destrói toda uma casa, faz barulho desnecessário, é hiper ativa (só pode!), mas que mata parte da minha ~current~ solidão e da carência.

Não, não obrigada.
It's that time of the year again. When I feel I'm less of a brazilian than I should be.

Everyone is jumping, partying, drinking, fucking, kissing, acting like a bunch of loons. It's carnaval time, baby. My friends call me, ask me to join them in this social orgy. And all I say is: No. No thanks.

I'd rather stay at home.

Can I have another vacation during this vacation?

I'm supposed to relax, see nice places and taste weird things. Why do I seem incapable of doing something as simple as that? =S

2010 - 2011
So.. 2010 is gone! Today is the last day of the year (no shit!).

And I've decided to make a list (sort of) of the many things I did...

I've laughed. I've cried. I jumped. I screamed. I've partied. I spended money on useless things. I traveled. I broke up with my bf and I'm still enjoying my "me" time without him. I had hook ups with boys I didn't care about. I kissed a girl (for the second time). I hugged my mom several times and every time I do that I think it can be the last. I started to rebuild my relationship with my distant father. I got closer to my siblings. I studied hard to get good grades at college. I found out (the hard way) that life is too short. I said I was sorry to every single person I've hurt. I decided to talk again with friends I didn't know anymore. I stargazed with my dog. I had my heart broken and broke one or two. I fell asleep watching 'The Simpsons'. I woke up listening to 'Interpol'. I watched so many good movies and listened to so much music. I lost count and started all over. I would do it all over again if I could.

I don't know if I'll be alive next year. I can't be sure and no one else can be. But I can proudly say that this year I did many things. Was it right or wrong? That depends.

Honestly.. it doesn't matter in the end, I guess. What matters to me is that I LIVED.

And that I hope to continue living this fucked up, but also surprising life.

So let's celebrate 2011!

Xmas [2010 version]

This year we're celebrating Xmas in a new manner.

Since we found out about my mom's cancer, we decided that the whole family should support her. So we're all traveling with her to the country side of our state, our family own a big farm where she lived her entire childhood and where my grandparents are buried. My mom wants to stay there for the holidays and we'll only get back here on January 2nd, when she is due to start chemotherapy again and maybe an operation.

So I'm just here to wish some nice and calm holidays for everyone. 



10 Shitty Facts
1. I'm a bookworm.
2. I drink way too much coke.
3. I hate those fucking happy clows. 
4. I'm a beatles fangirl.
5. Both of my dogs are insane.
6. I don't like tomato.
7. I gave my best friend a stolen copy of Franny and Zooey.
8. I never really got madly in love or head over heels about someone.
9. I play guitar.
10. There are so many books ~ and I've read all of them more than once ~ in my house that I'm considering turning the guest room into a library.

Well, I did this.. I really don't know. This journal was being ignored by me and my crazy college schedule.

Did you ever had to tell someone you care deeply about that she's going to die?

Tomorrow I'll know what it feels like. The doctors gave me a hard thing to do, I have to tell my mom that the cancer is now in stage 4, metastasis. I have to tell her that the fucking cancer has spreaded from her breasts to her lungs and that her prognosis is not good.

How can I do that? How can I tell my mother that she's going to die?


I don't really feel like I have anything to say. I just feel like writing it.

My mom will start her chemotherapy next wednesday. Sometimes I think that she is not sick at all, that everything is just some fucked up thing I invented. Sometimes I think that I'm having my last moments with her. I won't lie and say that I didn't think about it, 'cause I did. Lots and lots of times. I keep seeing a bunch of scenarios in my head. I know for a fact that I won't be able to live in this town anymore, everywhere I'll look I'm pretty sure I'll see her. For sure I already know I won't live with my father in São Paulo, we're too fucked up to re-learn how to be a father and a daughter again. I don't want to live with anybody, I just want to be alone with my dog. My boyfriend and I, well, I asked him to give me some time until my mother can recover properly and he went to his mother's house. I'm not really sure that he understands what's going on with me so I have this weird feeling that we won't get back together. Right now, I don't give a fuck. 

I pray for my mother, I pray for a long and perfect life for her and if she doesn't make it then I also pray for a quiet, calm, peaceful death. I wish I could be in her place, 'cause so many times I asked for death to get me when I was depressed. This should have been me, not my mom, she never did anything bad to anyone.

Too many thoughts in my head, too many shitty thoughts.     

This is the perfect title, seriously.

I guess I need to cry just to get over with it. A few weeks ago I found out that my dad has a brain tumor and also that my mom had found a lump in her right breast. We got confirmation that she has breast cancer. This might sound weird but I'm quite prepared to deal with my father's death, I mean, we don't have that much of an interaction so it seems to be easier. But God, I'm not ready to deal with my mother's death. We have that magical mother/daughter bond and it would be really painful to lose her when I still need her so fucking bad. 

I just don't know what the fuck I'm feeling and I don't know how I'm supposed to deal with everything. I just wished I knew what to do, what to think, what to say but I don't. I fucking hate myself for it.


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